So, I’m still having a bit of a hard time with this pregnancy thing. I had to tell my dentist I was pregnant today because he had to use some freezing. Him and the hygienist proceeded to talk about all the fun shopping I was going to get to do and how expensive the gear was. Meanwhile, I couldn’t speak. I wasn’t ready to hear all of that and be forced to think about it.

I know I’m supposed to be excited. A big, huge part of me really does feel so blessed. But, I’m a control freak. I don’t do well with such a huge upset to “the plan”. I’m annoyed that I have to be happy right now. I’m annoyed that I’m not excited yet. I will be happy, but I’m not right now. I’m annoyed. Why can’t that be okay?

I know fertility is a hard topic for some people. I have many friends who have struggled and continue to struggle with fertility issues. I can’t begin to understand the pain that goes along with wanting to feel a baby growing inside you and not being able to. But there is a flip side. Having an unplanned pregnancy can potentially be just as devastating. I’m not saying this is the case for me. I’m just wanting to put something in to perspective. Whether a pregnant woman chooses to keep, abort or put her baby up for adoption, her life is forever changed. Maybe being infertile is a blessing. An infertile mother may look at adoption as an option that they didn’t see before. Adopting a child doesn’t make her any less a mother. Maybe this is incredibly arrogant of me but I’m in an annoyed, hormonal, stressed state of mind. So have grace and maybe consider that infertility and an unplanned pregnancy are a little more similar than they first appear.

To add to my emotions relating to this pregnancy, there are a lot of unknowns with this pregnancy. I know the only possibility of getting pregnant last month was March 26th. Day 4 of my cycle. I understand that I didn’t conceive that day but best case scenario, I still would have had to ovulate at least ten days early. My midwife was dating me by my last period and seemed fine to leave it at that. Knowing I was further along than that, I went to my doctor to order a dating ultra sound. I was scared that my midwife might let me go 4 weeks over due if it came to that, and I didn’t want to be that kind of uncomfortable.

My doctor figures it is much more likely that the period I had was heavy spotting, or even miscarrying a twin, than a real period. It was a weird period, short with lots of spotting before and after. He figures I’m 11 weeks pregnant! How could I be almost done my first trimester and not even know it! I feel stupid. Unaware. I’ve put my baby in danger. This will be my last pregnancy and I missed a quarte of it!

There are things about being 11 weeks pregnant that makes sense to me and there are things about being 7 weeks pregnant that make sense. I’m confused. I won’t get any definite answers for three more weeks when the ultra sound is scheduled. I’m trying to get in to the hospital earlier but I still haven’t heard. My first midwife appointment isn’t for three and a half weeks. I think I’ll feel better about all this once I have some answers and I’ve connected with the midwife.

Give me another month… I’ll get there.