What a Week!

What a week! I am so very, over tired. I need sleep. I need Livi to sleep. I need to sleep without being hyper sensitive to how she is breathing. I need to relax. I need to not dream. I need to fall asleep at a reasonable hour. I need to sleep!

I guess the business started a while ago already. I had been working so much a few weeks ago. Then within these last two week I went to a couple of different community events… Eat! Fraser Valley, a Mother Mother concert at a bar at UBC (dancing with all the college kids made me feel old!), the Cloverdale Kids Swap, and the MCC Fair! I also made it to a baby shower, a birthday party, and a play date. I hosted dinner once and made it to both of Livi’s music and movement classes so far! Wow, busy weeks! I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that Livi is sick and I am so tired!

Monday morning Livi woke up with a cough. It wasn’t anything that we were to concerned about though. Just an occasional bark. But lunch time though, she had spiked a high fever. She was up to nearly 39 degrees, under arm! We were able to keep it down in the moderate range though. That night she started having coughing attacks that made her throw up. She has never been a very pukey baby so it scared her. She cried a lot. My poor baby! My mom thought it sounded like croup, so we did all the home remedies that we could come up with.

Livi improved. Tuesday she still had a few coughing attacks but only a low grade to moderate fever. Wednesday she was well enough to go to music class and stop by some friends house for an impromptu play date. Thursday things started going south again though. Her cough came back with a vengeance and her fever was creeping up again.

Thursday was also the day that my Grandpa ended up in the emergency room. I ended up going to the hospital to make sure Grandma was doing okay. My uncle was there and very attentive to Grandpa, but I wanted to make sure Grandma had some one to support her and make sure she had eaten and was taking care of herself. My Grandpa is a very wonderful, stubborn, Mennonite man who always denies his pain and doesn’t take help from family or medical professionals well. My uncle ended up having to insist he let himself be taken to the ER. It is a good thing too. He will be staying there for the next week.

Today was just as busy. I took my Grandma to the hospital, had a much needed hair appointment, stayed with Livi who wasn’t napping because her cough kept waking her up while Jon went to two appointments, then we took Livi to the doctors. Livi was diagnosed with brochiolitis, also known as baby asthma. She has been put on some inhalers and she should be feeling better in a few days. She will get over this, although she may have more flare ups in the next year or so. This also may mean that she is more prone to developing regular asthma when she is older. I’m praying this doesn’t happen.

Livi was so tired today but couldn’t sleep, so she was miserable… which in turn made Mommy and Daddy miserable. I feel so helpless when she is sick… okay, I don’t have much experience with it. This is only the third time she has been sick. She is very easy going generally and also handles being sick pretty well. I still know she is feeling miserable though. She has been very cuddly but restless and whiny. I don’t know how to help her. She is so upset and scared when she is having a cough attack and can’t breath properly. Consequently, I haven’t been sleeping well because I am hyper sensitive to every noise she makes. I know she won’t just stop breathing but the idea still freaks me out. Since I’m hyper sensitive, I don’t think I’m allowing my body to go in to a proper deep sleep and have been having a lot of dreams and nightmares. Did I mention I was tired?

We don’t have anything planned for tomorrow. I cancelled the family photo’s we were going to have taken by a friend of mine so we can concentrate on getting Livi healthy and myself rested. Red puffy eyes don’t lend to nice photos. Well, I think it is safe for me to go to bed now. Livi hasn’t woken up in the last half hour and it isn’t too early to try and sleep anymore. Goodnight! I know my last few posts have been wordy, so for those of you who only look at my blog to see pictures of Livi, I’ll try and post a few pictures tomorrow.

Back to Church?

I went to church tonight for the first time in nearly a year, aside from Easter and Christmas services. I did not make a conscious decision to stop going to church. It was kind of a gradual thing. We had so many major stresses happen in a short amount of time last year that church just seemed to be one more thing we “had” to do. The church we attend was having it’s own share of issues too. We gave ourselves permission to take a hiatus for a while. We needed to, for our own mental health. Our energy level and lives were already being run so thin that being part of another community, particularly another broken one, was far to wearing on us.

I struggled with this decision throughout the year, but still had little energy or desire to return. I was raised that if you claimed to be a Christian you must be an active part of a church community. I still believe this. I think an important part of Christianity is the Church Community… and all the good, bad, and the ugly that goes along with that community. As much as many church goers would not like to believe there is a lot of bad and ugly parts of the Church. With me consciously deciding to stop attending, I wondered if I still had a right to call myself a Christian. Did I believe that I was still a Christian? I still believed in a God or Higher Power… but I wasn’t sure where I stood on the whole religion thing. The Church, Christianity, is religion. It is all the history, organization, miss-teachings, power struggles, abuse, break-off sects, varying theologies and practices, as well as all the beauty, love, grace and mysticism that we know to be true. It is not God. I think it is a little ridiculous to be a part of a church community and claim to not be religious. It is common to hear Evangelical Christians, in particular, denounce religion and pronounce only a relationship with Jesus. Hmmm… I’m opening up a whole can of worms here. I think I’ll leave that alone. If you want to question or challenge me, message me and maybe I’ll answer in another post.

Anyway, one of the biggest things pulling me back to church is wanting Livi to grow up feeling safe and welcome in a church community. Now, that is kind of an absurd idea… safe and welcome at church? How many people experience that? I sure didn’t! I still hold on to an ideal of church though. I want Livi to grow up with a strong connection to God, however that may look for her. I want her to know the Bible stories, be challenged in her understanding of them and have the morals and ideas that they portray be uniquely personified through her. I want her to view worship as an authentic, pure display of someones experience, whatever medium that may take, and not as entertainment. I want her to experience the practical perks of being part of a church community too. I want her to give food in times of overwhelming joy or grief and receive that practical necessity when she needs it as well. I want her to be in a community where she is not judged, given the freedom to question theology and disagree with those in her community but still respect them and be respected in return. I want her to experience a community of inclusion, with members from all races, age groups, abilities, sexual preferences, social and economical statuses and varying degrees of brokenness. I want her to feel free to be uniquely authentic. I don’t want her to feel guilty for missing a few or a lot of Sunday’s in a row, for swearing, masturbating, questioning, befriending a homosexual, or any of those other Church taboos. Wow, that seems like a lot to ask for.

Maybe I’m setting myself up for disappointment. I do believe that by participating in a church community it is important to accept and learn from the failures that will inevitably happen but continue to strive for an ideal. Complaining about the shortfalls of your church community but not doing anything to try and help the situation is absurd. I know I have a lot of critiques on Christianity but I also think I have a lot to offer a community. No church is going to be perfect. No Christian tradition has it right.

With all this rambling I’m not sure I’m ready to commit and start participating in a church community again but I’m coming to that place again. Slowly. I am/have been a part of a church that has its own share of problems and baggage but it also offers the most grace based, judgement free theology that I have ever heard and that is SO refreshing. The community at Nexus, “my” church, is lacking but they are making strives to do something about that, while being authentic and challenging. This is a new era for the little church and I think I’d really like to be a part of it.

A Little of This and That

I don’t really have anything to write about today. I just felt like writing something… so lets see where this goes.

Thursday nights are going to be difficult television nights. How on earth am I going to choose between watching Grey’s Anatomy, 30 Rock, So You Think You Can Dance, and okay, I’ll admit it, Vampire Diaries? I don’t think Vampire Diaries will remain much of a contender but I do get some kind of sick enjoyment from teenage-angst filled vampire love. Currently Grey’s Anatomy is winning. It is the rerun of last years season finale. I am getting ready to cry my eyes out, again. Can’t wait for the season premier next week!

I’m generally not such a TV junkie. I usually only have one or two shows that I follow each year. I think being a stay at home mom who tends to always have the TV on no matter what I am doing has started to ruined me. I don’t know why I leave it on. I’ve done that since I was a kid. My mom does the same thing. I think I like the back ground noise, or the option to multitask so I don’t get bored. I hope my habit doesn’t turn Livi in to a TV junkie. Maybe I should cancel our cable… I think we are in a contract though. I guess I’m stuck with my original dilemma…. Grey’s, 30 Rock or SYTYCD? I am very glad that Glee has made it to the airways. If you haven’t seen it yet, watch it. I love it. I think it has the potential to be my new favorite show… next to Friends of course. NOTHING will replace the fabulousness that was Friends. 

These past two weeks have been very busy for us… well, me in particular. I have worked a lot. Out of the 15 day pay period, I worked eight days I think. That is a lot for someone who is only supposed to work one maybe two shorter shifts a week. All of those days were either evenings or weekends so we wouldn’t need to get childcare. Jon and I would only see each other at home for ten minutes during the trade off. Livi has been more clingy too. I think it is probably a result of me working more. I’ve been trying to spend a lot of extra quality time with her when I am home though.

I just got a fabulous box of organic fruit and veggies from Good Earth Organics. They deliver organic food too your door. I think it is a little pricey. The medium size box goes for $35. You are obviously paying for the convience of it being delivered and the fact that it is organic. Because I signed up at Eat Fraser Valley I got $10 off my order and am not under any contract. I just order a box plus any other organic food they sell that I want, when I want. It is so convenient and the food is quite impressive. I know I can get it for cheaper at Thumpers but how much cheaper? Is anyone good at comparing prices? How much regular fruit and veggies could I get for $35? Would I save money in the long run by not going in to a grocery store as often? I know I buy things that I don’t need EVERY time I step in to a grocery store.

Livi has started her music and movement class again. We LOVE it! The full semester of classes was our birthday present to her. She loves it so much and I love seeing her participate, play, sing, dance, jump, bang, etc… It gets me very involved too which I think is really good for the both of us.

Okay, I’m starting to get emotional as I get closer to the end of the Grey’s finale. I’d better stop writing before I drip tears on the keyboard and short out the laptop!