Change of Plans

We have a slight change of plans. Jon and I have changed all three of our flights to come home on August 14th. We still have the same departure date, July 29th. Yes, we are still leaving Livi in Canada.

I’m not entirely comfortable with this plan but I don’t think I’d be comfortable with anything at this point… unless all three of us could come home early! Everyone keeps telling me that Livi will be fine. Logically, I know she will be, but the thought of her needing me and me not being there kills me. She is safe, with people who love her, people who we trust and she will have tons of fun. People also say she has no concept of time. Mommy and Daddy gone for 16 days instead of 11 isn’t going to make any difference too her. We have Skype and will hopefully be able to talk to her almost every day.

The things that swayed our decision from me returning on the 9th with Jon and Sofie coming later was that with the flight we changed it too it won’t cost us any additional money, except of course for the hotel but Jon and Sofie would still need to incur those costs anyway. This also keeps us together for the plane ride home which may be stressful alone. Mostly, though, we are considering Sofie’s potential attachment issues. We think that it might make it harder for Sofie if we both go to get her then one of us leaves. She has had caregivers leave her her entire life. I don’t want her to think I am just another caregiver. I want her to know I am her Mommy.

It is a bit of a weird situation. I need to remind myself that I have two children who need me to do the best thing for each of them, yet I don’t have a firm attachment with one of them yet. Don’t get me wrong, I love Sofie more than anyone can love a child that they haven’t met yet. But I don’t have a relationship with her yet. I don’t know what she needs from me yet. She doesn’t know she needs me yet. I have a relationship with Livi who knows that she needs me. I also know that Sofie needs me more right now, even if she doesn’t comprehend it. She needs to know the love of a mother and father. Livi already knows that love and knows that we will return to her. I’m so excited to give that to Sofie too but every other part of me yearns to be with Livi.

I know we are doing the right thing, but that doesn’t make it easy. With this plan we are praying and hoping and crossing our fingers that her paper work will be in our hands by August 12th. To accomplish this, Sofie needs to get her passport applied for this week and the offices need to be operating at their best possible speeds. Pray. Please Pray. If it looks look like we are not going to get her paperwork by then, I may opt to come home a bit earlier and Jon will probably be the one to stay. I really hope it doesn’t come to this though.

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Pot Hole

This morning we got the email saying that Sofie has a virus and is sick with diarrhea. Because of this she wasn’t allowed to travel today to go and apply for her Bulgarian passport and get her pictures for the Visa. This is a VERY frustrating bump in the road… It is even extra frustrating because we were originally told her passport would be applied for on July 18th. Our aunt eloquently called it a pot hole. It isn’t a devastating engine blow up but a damned pot hole that looses a hubcap and gives you a flat tire. 

With this new development, we figured we had three options….
1. Postpone the trip by a week – This option would still leave us feeling uneasy about the timeline, uneasy about leaving Sofie in the orphanage longer than we’d want, and cost about $1000-$1300 more. 
2. Leave as planned with an undetermined return with Livi – This option would cost us an extra $1000ish for Livi’s ticket but we could get a long stay apartment for about the same amount of money as the hotel we are looking at for a shorter time. We would have the extra stress of both kids and Livi with jet lag.
3. Leave as planned and one of us will return as planned while the other stays with Sofie until her Visa comes. This option means one of us staying alone and dealing with a Sofie, alone, on the plane home. There will be an extra $500ish in plane costs plus extra hotel costs.
Option 3 is what we are going with. None of the options are ideal but this makes the most sense. We already have child care all arranged for while we are gone. This way one parent will be home with Livi and another with Sofie and Sofie will be out of the orphanage as scheduled. Because of the legalities of Jon’s pre-adoption leave and adoption leave it also makes the most sense for Jon to stay with Sofie. He gets paid pre-adoption leave while he in in country but he can’t start his adoption leave until Sofie is in Canada. How ever we work it, this is going to cost us a bunch of more money that we don’t have. We are living in our line of credit right now. The month that Sofie gets home is going to be a little rough too because there is a waiting period before EI kicks in. 
Okay, enough complaining. I still get to see, meet, hold, hug and kiss my baby on Monday! Anido also said in the email that we can’t go to the orphanage until the Monday. I booked a night for us at Hotel Budapest in the city center for Jon and I to hopefully get some sight seeing in Sunday afternoon after a nap. Eeek! Only 3.5 days until we leave and 5 days until I get to hold my baby!!!

One Week

7 days to go! Wow. I know I’ve been waiting for so long but now that it is here I’m wondering how it has sneaked up on me. We got an update from Anido, our Bulgarian agency, today saying that they have Sofie’s new  birth certificate and are taking her, on Monday, to Sofia to get photographed for her Visa and apply for her passport! They also gave us a bit more clarity of what to expect when we get to Bulgaria. The director of the orphanage is insisting we spend three days there now instead of the two days that was originally told to us. I’m okay with three days if that is what it takes, I just wish it would stop changing. If they think Sofie is going to be any less traumatized from leaving with us the third day instead of the second day they are severely mistaken. They also told us we won’t be going to the orphanage until the Monday. We get in to Sofia early Sunday morning. I’ve requested we go on the Sunday but we are waiting to hear.

I’m so emotional today. I can’t even begin to properly explain what I am feeling. I’m so excited to meet Sofie. I can’t wait. My arms are literally aching to hold her and comfort her. The thought of her traveling from the orphanage to Sofia, an hour and a half each way, with out me rips me apart. She may have never been out of the orphanage! Then as I was laying down for a short nap this afternoon and thought of saying goodbye to Livi at the airport. I started crying. Not just tears down my cheeks but heaving sobs and snot on my pillow crying. I know she is going to be well cared for and even have a lot of fun with out us, but I have only ever been away from her for 36 hours at one time and she was sleeping for 24 of those hours. It may be the hardest thing I have ever done to date. I don’t want to freak her out either, so I can’t start sobbing in front of her at the airport. I have no idea how I’m going to accomplish that.

I think I’m pretty prepared though. I have just a few more things to do. The orphanage clothes, gifts and candies are packed. We got a big box of Purdy’s for the orphanage staff and a smaller box of maple leaf chocolate and maple truffles for Anido. For the director we got a small bottle of BC wine and some maple syrup. For the kids we got a ton of candy, yummy crackers and some chocolate dipped granola bars. I hope it all makes it safely to Bulgaria.

The next few days should be a little less busy than this week but with less distractions I’m likely to become more anxious. I’ve already been noticing I’m getting shorter with Livi. Please pray for patience and peace for me. I don’t do good in these uncontrollable circumstances.