Tag: Becoming Human

I Survived!

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Today, I babysat! I’ll be honest, I was a little terrified. I don’t know why I was so scared. Being left alone with five special needs adults, with varying degrees of abilities, would be no problem. Being left alone with two one year old’s sent my anxiety through the roof! I don’t think my fear was very reassuring for the parents who were leaving their precious child in my “capable” hands.

I think the anxiety started about ten months ago. I started trading babysitting with a friend for short periods of time when Livi was just 3 months old. I was not ready to be babysitting another child yet. I was still feeling out how to care for my own child. I did okay but I was always so stressed out when one child was upset, or when I couldn’t be everything to both children. Being three months apart the two babies were at such different stages developmentally and had very different temperaments. I would be exhausted after only a few hours of watching both babies. Babysitting trading only lasted for about four or five months because my friend started needing more regular care and for longer periods of time. I was reluctant to commit to anything because I was not handling it very well. Don’t worry, both children were very well cared for when I had them… it was just me that was having the problems.

Well, I tried a hand at babysitting again today. Not just for a few hours either. Jude came over for the whole day! I had to do a lot of self-talk last night, trying to convince myself that I could do it with out being stressed. I kept having to tell myself that they where both so much older now and developmentally very close. Jude and Livi are still three months apart but the developmental gap has decreased drastically. They played so well together, aside from Livi hitting Jude’s head a few times trying to get my attention (I think there was some jealousy happening) and Jude pulling Livi’s hair in frustration.

My day consisted of me sitting on the floor supervising while Jude and Livi played with each other and climbed over me periodically. It was a lot of fun! There were no major melt downs. Just a few crocodile tears here and there. It went better than I hoped for! They even had an hour nap at the same time which meant I got to nap! How great is that?! Now that I know I can do it, even have fun babysitting, I will be a lot more confident to say yes to babysitting in the future… maybe even go out in to public with two kids?!

Sorry, no pictures. I did think of it but I didn’t want to push my luck by moving my focus on to anything but them 🙂

I’m Thankful

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I’m thankful for my daughter; for her smiles and her laughter; for her little hands and unique personality.
I’m thankful for my husband; for who he is and how he treats me; for being a good daddy and friend.
I’m thankful for my family; for my mom who loves me unconditionally, for my brother who keeps me laughing; for my sister who is my friend.
I’m thankful for hope; hope that my other sister will one day come back to us; hope for a bright and happy future for my daughter; hope for a life filled with love and authenticity.
I’m thankful for food to eat, a home to live in, a country with health care and beauty to see and capture.
I’m thankful for friends to laugh and drink wine with, good movies to watch, and music to sing and dance too.
I’m thankful for confidence, joy, contentment, openess, truth, beauty, authenticity, and love.

Back to Church?

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I went to church tonight for the first time in nearly a year, aside from Easter and Christmas services. I did not make a conscious decision to stop going to church. It was kind of a gradual thing. We had so many major stresses happen in a short amount of time last year that church just seemed to be one more thing we “had” to do. The church we attend was having it’s own share of issues too. We gave ourselves permission to take a hiatus for a while. We needed to, for our own mental health. Our energy level and lives were already being run so thin that being part of another community, particularly another broken one, was far to wearing on us.

I struggled with this decision throughout the year, but still had little energy or desire to return. I was raised that if you claimed to be a Christian you must be an active part of a church community. I still believe this. I think an important part of Christianity is the Church Community… and all the good, bad, and the ugly that goes along with that community. As much as many church goers would not like to believe there is a lot of bad and ugly parts of the Church. With me consciously deciding to stop attending, I wondered if I still had a right to call myself a Christian. Did I believe that I was still a Christian? I still believed in a God or Higher Power… but I wasn’t sure where I stood on the whole religion thing. The Church, Christianity, is religion. It is all the history, organization, miss-teachings, power struggles, abuse, break-off sects, varying theologies and practices, as well as all the beauty, love, grace and mysticism that we know to be true. It is not God. I think it is a little ridiculous to be a part of a church community and claim to not be religious. It is common to hear Evangelical Christians, in particular, denounce religion and pronounce only a relationship with Jesus. Hmmm… I’m opening up a whole can of worms here. I think I’ll leave that alone. If you want to question or challenge me, message me and maybe I’ll answer in another post.

Anyway, one of the biggest things pulling me back to church is wanting Livi to grow up feeling safe and welcome in a church community. Now, that is kind of an absurd idea… safe and welcome at church? How many people experience that? I sure didn’t! I still hold on to an ideal of church though. I want Livi to grow up with a strong connection to God, however that may look for her. I want her to know the Bible stories, be challenged in her understanding of them and have the morals and ideas that they portray be uniquely personified through her. I want her to view worship as an authentic, pure display of someones experience, whatever medium that may take, and not as entertainment. I want her to experience the practical perks of being part of a church community too. I want her to give food in times of overwhelming joy or grief and receive that practical necessity when she needs it as well. I want her to be in a community where she is not judged, given the freedom to question theology and disagree with those in her community but still respect them and be respected in return. I want her to experience a community of inclusion, with members from all races, age groups, abilities, sexual preferences, social and economical statuses and varying degrees of brokenness. I want her to feel free to be uniquely authentic. I don’t want her to feel guilty for missing a few or a lot of Sunday’s in a row, for swearing, masturbating, questioning, befriending a homosexual, or any of those other Church taboos. Wow, that seems like a lot to ask for.

Maybe I’m setting myself up for disappointment. I do believe that by participating in a church community it is important to accept and learn from the failures that will inevitably happen but continue to strive for an ideal. Complaining about the shortfalls of your church community but not doing anything to try and help the situation is absurd. I know I have a lot of critiques on Christianity but I also think I have a lot to offer a community. No church is going to be perfect. No Christian tradition has it right.

With all this rambling I’m not sure I’m ready to commit and start participating in a church community again but I’m coming to that place again. Slowly. I am/have been a part of a church that has its own share of problems and baggage but it also offers the most grace based, judgement free theology that I have ever heard and that is SO refreshing. The community at Nexus, “my” church, is lacking but they are making strives to do something about that, while being authentic and challenging. This is a new era for the little church and I think I’d really like to be a part of it.