We have a slight change of plans. Jon and I have changed all three of our flights to come home on August 14th. We still have the same departure date, July 29th. Yes, we are still leaving Livi in Canada.
I’m not entirely comfortable with this plan but I don’t think I’d be comfortable with anything at this point… unless all three of us could come home early! Everyone keeps telling me that Livi will be fine. Logically, I know she will be, but the thought of her needing me and me not being there kills me. She is safe, with people who love her, people who we trust and she will have tons of fun. People also say she has no concept of time. Mommy and Daddy gone for 16 days instead of 11 isn’t going to make any difference too her. We have Skype and will hopefully be able to talk to her almost every day.
The things that swayed our decision from me returning on the 9th with Jon and Sofie coming later was that with the flight we changed it too it won’t cost us any additional money, except of course for the hotel but Jon and Sofie would still need to incur those costs anyway. This also keeps us together for the plane ride home which may be stressful alone. Mostly, though, we are considering Sofie’s potential attachment issues. We think that it might make it harder for Sofie if we both go to get her then one of us leaves. She has had caregivers leave her her entire life. I don’t want her to think I am just another caregiver. I want her to know I am her Mommy.
It is a bit of a weird situation. I need to remind myself that I have two children who need me to do the best thing for each of them, yet I don’t have a firm attachment with one of them yet. Don’t get me wrong, I love Sofie more than anyone can love a child that they haven’t met yet. But I don’t have a relationship with her yet. I don’t know what she needs from me yet. She doesn’t know she needs me yet. I have a relationship with Livi who knows that she needs me. I also know that Sofie needs me more right now, even if she doesn’t comprehend it. She needs to know the love of a mother and father. Livi already knows that love and knows that we will return to her. I’m so excited to give that to Sofie too but every other part of me yearns to be with Livi.
I know we are doing the right thing, but that doesn’t make it easy. With this plan we are praying and hoping and crossing our fingers that her paper work will be in our hands by August 12th. To accomplish this, Sofie needs to get her passport applied for this week and the offices need to be operating at their best possible speeds. Pray. Please Pray. If it looks look like we are not going to get her paperwork by then, I may opt to come home a bit earlier and Jon will probably be the one to stay. I really hope it doesn’t come to this though.