Yesterday we had a small family party, with some wonderful party crashers, to celebrate Livi’s birthday. It was quite a lovely day actually. The girls were both in great moods, for the most part. We just had a laid back time of visiting. The weather was really warm so Livi, Rebecca and Jude played in the blow up pool. I had made up a few water balloons for them too. Jon’s mom got him good too!

 Good shot!

 Covering her face for her surprise present from Mommy and Daddy!

It was a kitchen center.

Blowing out the candles!

Sofie enjoying Uncle Brent’s hat at the party!

This is a bit of a transitional birthday for Livi. She is doing really well but showing some signs of regression and jealousy towards her new sister. She peed her pants twice today, which was unheard of before, and she is always wanting the parent who is with Sofie at the time. I feel bad for her and am feeling pretty guilty for how frustrated I’ve gotten towards her. I need to remember that her whole world has been disrupted and she is in transition just like Sofie is. I need patience!

Other than that Livi is flourishing. She is starting to figure out how to spell words, like her name and “stop” which she recognizes from the signs. She also almost has her phone number memorized. She has the first part down but frequently mixes up the numbers at the end. She can almost get in to a head stand all by herself. After we help her up she can hold it for a long time. She is very excited about gymnastics in September! She loves building towers, helping Mommy cook, dance, sing, playing with her farm animals and playing on Mommy’s iPhone. She also has girly days where she pushes her baby around in it’s buggy all day and puts her jewelry on. She LOVES to color, read books, play play doh and paint. She is way to smart for her own good and finds loop holes in Mommy and Daddy’s rules. It is hard to be a good parent when you are trying to stifle giggles at the awesome logic of a 3 year old! She loves watching her new sister, giving her hugs and kisses and helping out where she can, like with feeding her or guiding her somewhere. She adores animals and loves swimming! I don’t think she has a favorite cartoon character any more. We’ve actually been watching far less TV with both girls around to play with each other. She still sleeps with her Elmo and Fuzzy every night though and keeps her Bunny close by!

I’m so proud of who my baby is growing in to and I’m so excited to see who she becomes. It is going to be amazing!

Wednesday (July 21) marked the 2nd anniversary of when Dad died. I still miss him terribly and think how much better things would be if he were here. I know that is not the most productive way to think but it’s real. If he were here, Livi would have a fabulous Grandpa to read her books and color with her. She would have really enjoyed being tickled by his bushy beard. Jon wouldn’t have to feel so responsible for his family. If Dad were here leading them and supporting Mom in her parenting, I think the family would be doing a lot better too. Jon would have his Dad to go to for advice on parenting and on being a husband. He would have had the support from some one who really got “it” when he made his career change. He would have some one to debate with. Jon really misses that.

Okay, enough of the really depressing stuff. The two year mark is a very different milestone than the one year. At one year you are just beginning to come to terms with the fact that he is gone. You have past all the “firsts” without him and you survived… the one year mark is the last “first”. You are still VERY much grieving the loss and wishing for what should have been. That grief and those feelings still haven’t completely gone away at the two year milestone, but they are easier to deal with. The two year mark shows that life really does go on and that you can and should keep living. Two years is a long time to be without some one you love. You move on, in a way. You figure out how to live without them. Although you still hope to see them sitting on the couch reading when you go to their house or hear their voice from the kitchen, you know that is just wishful thinking. In the first year you thought it was actually a possibility and that you’ve just been in a bad dream for the past few months.

We went out for our annual dinner at the Keg with the family on Wednesday. The Keg was one of Dad’s favorite restaurants. Things were very surface but pleasant. It wasn’t a cry-fest this year. It is very evident that we all still very much miss Dad and are dealing with the effects of that loss, but with a family of mostly boys who don’t communicate well, if at all, we didn’t get too deep or introspective. I had good talks with my friends and Mom to process this milestone. I need to talk, openly and honestly. I’m amazed sometimes how Jon and I have such a good relationship when we are from such different back grounds and communication styles!

We made it through and despite drinking a bit more this week, I think Jon and I coped quite well 🙂 We are still missing Dad and sad for how things should have been. My grief is mostly now surrounding the fact that he missed out on being Livi’s Grandpa. Livi will never have a Grandpa. That is what makes me the most sad. I wish Dad could see what a fabulous grandbaby he has!