Wednesday (July 21) marked the 2nd anniversary of when Dad died. I still miss him terribly and think how much better things would be if he were here. I know that is not the most productive way to think but it’s real. If he were here, Livi would have a fabulous Grandpa to read her books and color with her. She would have really enjoyed being tickled by his bushy beard. Jon wouldn’t have to feel so responsible for his family. If Dad were here leading them and supporting Mom in her parenting, I think the family would be doing a lot better too. Jon would have his Dad to go to for advice on parenting and on being a husband. He would have had the support from some one who really got “it” when he made his career change. He would have some one to debate with. Jon really misses that.
Okay, enough of the really depressing stuff. The two year mark is a very different milestone than the one year. At one year you are just beginning to come to terms with the fact that he is gone. You have past all the “firsts” without him and you survived… the one year mark is the last “first”. You are still VERY much grieving the loss and wishing for what should have been. That grief and those feelings still haven’t completely gone away at the two year milestone, but they are easier to deal with. The two year mark shows that life really does go on and that you can and should keep living. Two years is a long time to be without some one you love. You move on, in a way. You figure out how to live without them. Although you still hope to see them sitting on the couch reading when you go to their house or hear their voice from the kitchen, you know that is just wishful thinking. In the first year you thought it was actually a possibility and that you’ve just been in a bad dream for the past few months.
We went out for our annual dinner at the Keg with the family on Wednesday. The Keg was one of Dad’s favorite restaurants. Things were very surface but pleasant. It wasn’t a cry-fest this year. It is very evident that we all still very much miss Dad and are dealing with the effects of that loss, but with a family of mostly boys who don’t communicate well, if at all, we didn’t get too deep or introspective. I had good talks with my friends and Mom to process this milestone. I need to talk, openly and honestly. I’m amazed sometimes how Jon and I have such a good relationship when we are from such different back grounds and communication styles!
We made it through and despite drinking a bit more this week, I think Jon and I coped quite well 🙂 We are still missing Dad and sad for how things should have been. My grief is mostly now surrounding the fact that he missed out on being Livi’s Grandpa. Livi will never have a Grandpa. That is what makes me the most sad. I wish Dad could see what a fabulous grandbaby he has!