It’s been no secret that I’ve had a hard time with this pregnancy. It was a shock. This baby was not planned but I know “it” is meant to be. I want him/her so much now!

This pregnancy is completely different from my pregnancy with Livi. Basically, in comparison, I’m convinced that Livi miraculously appeared in month nine and was flown out of my womb by pink fluffy butterflies. I had next to no symptoms with Livi. That pregnancy was so easy. This one is not. I have had EVERY symptom in the book. Maybe that is because I’m having a boy, which is my prediction, or maybe that is because I am 4 years older and in my 30’s. Whatever the case, I’m thankful this is my last pregnancy!

I started out in April with shock, fear, and honestly, a little resentment. I was not ready for another baby or pregnancy. My boobs got bigger, were sore and now they’re even leaking a bit! Gross! I was tired ALL THE TIME, nauseous, gassy, moody (which is a nice way of saying I was a TOTAL bitch), and uncomfortable in my own skin. I got carpel tunnel in my hands in the first trimester, which happened when I was pregnant with Livi too but not until almost the third trimester. I was constipated the first month, then plagued with two months of the other extreme. Now my body likes to keep me guessing… Is it going to be a constipated day or a runs kind of day? Won’t know until I waddle to the bathroom! Fun! Fun! During the heat wave my ankles and feet swelled, although I think they are back to normal now. If this baby were sitting any lower I think it would be crowning. Getting kicked in the anus from the inside is a fabulous feeling. Sometimes the baby likes to block my bladder so I feel like I have to pee but can’t! Awesome. Also, since probably a couple of months in my abdominal muscles feel like they are being ripped apart, I’ve had to pee every half hour and sciatica has started plus my left hip is in agony some nights. I didn’t have any back pain with Livi, amazingly, despite my herniated disc. I’m scared that this is going to get worse with this pregnancy since I’m already having some pain. This is a HUGE concern. If my back goes out, I can’t function. Pray this doesn’t happen.

Pregnancy isn’t all bad. from about 17 weeks I’ve been feeling the baby kick and move. I think I actually felt it earlier than that but I was confused as to whether it was the baby or gas! Now, at 20 weeks I’m sure what is the baby and what isn’t. I think I can almost feel it kicking on from the outside too now! Hopefully Jon and the girls will be able to feel it soon! Livi keeps trying to hear the heartbeat and Sofie gives my belly kisses.

I’m starting to get excited to hold my baby and see the first smiles. I want to hold him/her and smell the top of its soft head. I’m excited to see Sofie give him kisses and Livi rock him to sleep. I’m excited to win the battle of breast feeding this time! I’m still quite terrified of how I will manage three children 4 years old and under. I know Livi will be a huge help to me but it is a careful line with that. I’m very conscious of trying not to put too much responsibility on her, although I’m realizing it is a natural progression of family dynamics for the oldest child. I am working extra hard to ensure it is her choice to help and not that she feels the responsibility on her shoulders.

I am half way through this pregnancy! On Friday I reached 20 weeks. We had my 20 week ultra sound today. I was really hoping to find out the gender but the lady said she couldn’t see… I don’t think she really looked. Oh well, I’ll find out in 3 weeks when I get to go for a 3D ultrasound! Livi was very excited to see the baby today! As far as I was told baby is looking good! 143 heart beats per minute and measuring at 21 weeks. I’ve only gained 2 pounds so far. I gained 15 with Livi but lost 5 pounds after Dad died at 37 weeks then ate lots of shortcake to gain a few pounds back! In the end I only gained 12 pounds and I think I’m pretty on target so far too!

 My prediction is a boy, born no later than January 5 (due Dec 30 from the 6 week dating ultra sound, 28th based on my cycle). I was a eight to twelve days over due with Livi depending on what due date you look at. And I predict a 10 pounder! Livi was 9 pounds almost 12 ounces. What are your predictions?

I’ve been cleared of gestational diabetes for now too! My original midwives referred me to a specialist who agreed with me! My numbers are high but not at the gestational diabetes stage! Stupid midwife! The specialist called it Impaired Glucose Tolerance. Basically borderline gestational diabetes. He wants me to do the regular 24 week glucose test when the glucose intolerance typically peaks. I’m so glad to have my own research validated by a specialist!

I switched midwife groups and returned to the practice that I was with for Livi’s birth. They have one doctor and four midwives now! I have opted to only see the midwives but do know the doctor since he is the one that was there for Livi’s birth. I’m very happy and confident with my decision. Although it means I can’t have a home birth in my home I could have it in the town the practice is in… at a friends or sisters house maybe? I actually think I’m leaning towards a hospital birth right now (still hopefully in the water) but I have a few more months to decide 🙂 Not sure how I’m going to survive the 20 minute drive to the next town, especially if I have back labor again. I will have a doula to help, who I haven’t met yet but I’ve heard fabulous things about! Jon’s aunt was our doula for Livi but she is an hour away now and we thought that was a bit far.

I think that’s everything so far! I’ll update you on the gender and the name as soon as we find out!

So, I’m still having a bit of a hard time with this pregnancy thing. I had to tell my dentist I was pregnant today because he had to use some freezing. Him and the hygienist proceeded to talk about all the fun shopping I was going to get to do and how expensive the gear was. Meanwhile, I couldn’t speak. I wasn’t ready to hear all of that and be forced to think about it.

I know I’m supposed to be excited. A big, huge part of me really does feel so blessed. But, I’m a control freak. I don’t do well with such a huge upset to “the plan”. I’m annoyed that I have to be happy right now. I’m annoyed that I’m not excited yet. I will be happy, but I’m not right now. I’m annoyed. Why can’t that be okay?

I know fertility is a hard topic for some people. I have many friends who have struggled and continue to struggle with fertility issues. I can’t begin to understand the pain that goes along with wanting to feel a baby growing inside you and not being able to. But there is a flip side. Having an unplanned pregnancy can potentially be just as devastating. I’m not saying this is the case for me. I’m just wanting to put something in to perspective. Whether a pregnant woman chooses to keep, abort or put her baby up for adoption, her life is forever changed. Maybe being infertile is a blessing. An infertile mother may look at adoption as an option that they didn’t see before. Adopting a child doesn’t make her any less a mother. Maybe this is incredibly arrogant of me but I’m in an annoyed, hormonal, stressed state of mind. So have grace and maybe consider that infertility and an unplanned pregnancy are a little more similar than they first appear.

To add to my emotions relating to this pregnancy, there are a lot of unknowns with this pregnancy. I know the only possibility of getting pregnant last month was March 26th. Day 4 of my cycle. I understand that I didn’t conceive that day but best case scenario, I still would have had to ovulate at least ten days early. My midwife was dating me by my last period and seemed fine to leave it at that. Knowing I was further along than that, I went to my doctor to order a dating ultra sound. I was scared that my midwife might let me go 4 weeks over due if it came to that, and I didn’t want to be that kind of uncomfortable.

My doctor figures it is much more likely that the period I had was heavy spotting, or even miscarrying a twin, than a real period. It was a weird period, short with lots of spotting before and after. He figures I’m 11 weeks pregnant! How could I be almost done my first trimester and not even know it! I feel stupid. Unaware. I’ve put my baby in danger. This will be my last pregnancy and I missed a quarte of it!

There are things about being 11 weeks pregnant that makes sense to me and there are things about being 7 weeks pregnant that make sense. I’m confused. I won’t get any definite answers for three more weeks when the ultra sound is scheduled. I’m trying to get in to the hospital earlier but I still haven’t heard. My first midwife appointment isn’t for three and a half weeks. I think I’ll feel better about all this once I have some answers and I’ve connected with the midwife.

Give me another month… I’ll get there.