Overall, I am a very confident person. Not a lot of things faze me or make me falter. I do have one weakness though. I rarely talk about it but I do not have a good body image. I’ve been on the larger side of the scale as long as I can remember. Food was how I coped with all the stress in my life as a child. Food was what I could control in a chaotic surrounding.
I have never broken this habit of using food to cope with things. I never had the motivation. When I was a teenager and the 200lb mark was approaching, I just tried to put it out of my mind. I didn’t think about it and continued telling myself that if I wanted to eat a bag of chips or a few cookies it wouldn’t hurt me… after all, I deserved a little treat after a stressful day.
In recent years I’ve gone through ups and downs with my wieght but I have been approaching the 300lb mark. At my last weigh in, I found out that I’ve reached it. This is very scary for me to say and to write about. I have been denying the problem in me head for nearly twenty years. Giving words to it makes it real. It makes it something that I have to face. I remember thinking that I would never reach this moment. That people who were 300lbs looked REALLY fat and didn’t care about themselves. I don’t look at myself long enough in the mirror to judge whether I look fat or not. I do care about myself, but have been able to justify everything in my mind.
My gallstones are partly a genetic thing but also a symptom of my poor diet. When they did the ultrasound to diagnose my gallstones, the doctor found some fat deposits on my liver. This is completely reversable, because I am still young, but if I continue down the path I am going there will be irreversible damage and an early death. I don’t want to leave my children, or grandchildren early. I want to have enough energy to play as long and as hard as Livi wants to. I want to feel confident in my own skin and believe that I can participate in anything I want to.
Well, I don’t generally make new year resolutions. They are always half-assed and get broken. I am changing my life style. I have joined a gym. She’s Fit it is called and I am really happy with them so far. I did my first work out tonight and actually had fun! The staff are awesome and I saw what they were promising from themselves be put in to action. I have signed up for a monitored meal plan. I went and did all the grocery shopping for it tonight to. The food sounds great and uses real ingredients, not portioned microwave meals like other plans. I have commited to changing, getting healthy, and getting fit. I want to lose inches as well as pounds. I don’t know what a realistic goal is but I’m going to say if I can loose 100lbs in a year I will be VERY proud of myself! Wish me luck and help keep me accountable! Join me at the gym 🙂